Orange Mud Cups

This week I had a go at combining two of my favourite cakes, the chocolate brownie and the lemon drizzle. Only, y'know, with orange because then it would be chocolate orange which is probably better than chocolate lemon. Anyway, the results were astonishing.


YOU WILL NEED
(makes 16 cupcakes)
185g butter
185g dark chocolate
3 eggs
275g golden caster sugar
1 medium-large orange
85g plain flour
40g cocoa powder
6 tablespoons icing sugar


THE METHOD

# Put a small pan of water on to boil, and put a bowl on top. Make sure the bowl doesn't touch the water. Chop up butter and chocolate and melt them together in the bowl. Keep stirring and don't let it burn. That would be horrible. When it's all blended, take it off the stove.



# Turn your oven to Gas 4, 177c, 350f.

# Crack eggs into a large mixing bowl and pour sugar on top. Beat with an electric whisk for AGES. It does take ages. If you can do it with one of them olde fashioned acoustic whisks, then I commend your wrist action.
Whip until the mixture is really thick like an amazing custard.

# Grate the zest of your orange. Put about a quarter of it aside for later, stir the rest into the melty chocolate butter, which should be quite cool now.



# Pour melty chocolate orange butter into the egg mousse and use a spatula to fold it in. Keep stirring gently until it is well blended and you can no longer resist eating some.

# Sift flour and cocoa powder into the mix and stir again until it is looking like a cake batter.



# Set out a cupcake tray with paper cases and spoon about a tablespoon and a half of mixture into each. The cakes are going to rise quite dramatically in the oven, but will shrink again, so be generous. Pop in the oven for 15-20 minutes

(At this point I would like to say that doing them as cupcakes was a bit of a mistake on my part. What would work really well is greasing 8 or so ramekins with butter, splitting the mixture between them, and baking for about 30 minutes.)

# While the cakes are baking, juice your orange and put that bit of left over zest in it. Sift in the icing sugar and dissolve it until you have a syrup.

# Test if cakes are done. They should be reasonably solid around the edges and have a crispy brownie-like crust, but very squishy if you poke the middle. Remove from oven if they're done, give them a couple of extra minutes if not.

# Once they're ready, prick the tops of the cakes with a skewer (or fondue fork) and pour about a tablespoon of the orange syrup onto each cake and leave for a few minutes to absorb. This is sticky and horrible and amazing.





# Eat a cake now if you wish. They are amazing warm, but they do rather fall apart, so get a spoon. If you do the cupcake version, leave them to cool completely and microwave for about 15 seconds to serve. If you do the mini-soufflé version, serve immediately with good vanilla ice-cream and pretend you've made a very posh orange chocolate fondant pudding, when what it really is is a Mud Cup.

Rabbit Dropping Pancakes

Actually nothing particularly horrific about this one. Just when my brother and I were little, we would joyously declare that raisins were rabbit poo as we wolfed them down. To be honest, we still do that.


YOU WILL NEED
(makes 4-6 pancakes)
100g flour
20g caster sugar
50g butter
2 eggs
120ml milk
cinnamon
lemon juice
vanilla essence
raisins


THE METHOD



# Sieve flour, sugar, and cinnamon together in a big bowl.

# Melt butter and add half to flour.

# Crack in eggs and whisk to a paste.

# Add milk and whisk until smooth.

# Throw in half a teaspoon of vanilla essence and two tablespoons of lemon juice.



# Heat up a pan and grease lightly with some of the left over butter. The best way to do this is by dipping kitchen roll in butter, then wiping the pan with it.

# Really make sure the pan is hot. Do a little test pancake. If it takes more than about a minute to cook, get hotter. If it burns, turn the heat down a little.

# Spoon some batter onto the pan.

# While one side cooks, sprinkle raisins on top.



# Flip the pancake. Normally I encourage showing off, but I recommend using a spatula or something for this instead of tossing it, mostly because it works best if the top of the pancake isn't cooked yet. Tossing would make pancake batter fly everywhere. Just flip it gently.

# Cook the other side of the pancake. Once this is done, feel free to toss as much as you like.

# That's literally all there is to it. Lazy this week. Anyway, enjoy your rabbit dropping pancakes. I like mine with raspberry jam that I can pretend is rabbit blood. Mwuhahahaha.

Blue Hawaiian Flapjacks

The Blue Hawaiian is a cocktail made by mixing equal parts rum, blue curacao, cream of coconut and a double helping of pineapple juice. All well and good (if a little sickly for my dry taste) but it's not my own invention and I think you'll agree what is really needed here is a way to eat cocktails.


YOU WILL NEED
(makes 16 pieces)
200g butter, and a bit over for greasing
200g demerara sugar, also an extra tablespoon full for the topping
2 tablespoons of golden syrup
275g porridge oats
100g dessicated coconut
75g dried pineapple
1 orange
Captain Morgan rum
150ml double cream
blue food colouring


THE METHOD

# Get the oven warming up to Gas 3, 160c, 325f.

# Get a big saucepan and bung in the butter, sugar, and syrup. Leave it on a low heat to melt.



# Pineapple! I guess you could use fresh, but that will probably make your mixture a bit slippery and lead to its ultimate demise. Also, I found this dried stuff and it freaked my shit out, so I bought it immediately. Confront your fears.



# Anyway, chop up pineapple and grate up the zest of your orange. Yummy!!



# The butter, sugar and syrup should be melted now. Give it a good stir. Taste if you want, it'll be hard to resist, but probably don't lick the metal spoon that's been in the pan the whole time. That will be hot. Ow.

# Stir oats and coconut into the melty goodness. Then add pineapple and orange zest and give it all a good mix. Eat some. NOT ALL OF IT.

# Grease up a baking tray with butter and spread the mixture out flat. Pop in the oven for 30 minutes.



# While you're waiting for the flapjack to bake, grab a large bowl and drop a tablespoon of demerara sugar in. Then three tablespoons of dark rum. Give this a good stir and leave it for a bit so the sugar dissolves. Taste if you like, but you might die.

# Pour in the double cream and beat with an electric whisk until it's all stiffened up. At this point you may add the blue, depending on exactly how blue you want it. I went for a couple of teaspoons. BLUUUUUUUE! Put this topping in the fridge until you need it.



# When the flapjack is done, take it out of the oven and allow to cool for ten minutes, then cut into sixteen pieces and set out on a wire rack to cool completely.

# Decorate flapjack with boozy blue topping. And ta-da! Blue Hawaiian Flapjack! Damn tasty.

Oh, Canada Cupcakes

Those who know me know I'm a bit of a Canadaphile. I choose to express my love in various ways, this time via the medium of cupcakes.


YOU WILL NEED
(makes 12 cupcakes)
200g butter
100g sugar
1 egg
100g self-raising flour
maple syrup
milk
icing sugar
bacon


THE METHOD

# On with the oven! Gas 4, 177c, 350f.

# Soften 100g of butter and beat in sugar until it is creamed. Add egg and mix thoroughly.

# Sift in flour and blend.

# Pour in about 30ml of maple syrup and mix well.

# Add milk or flour to make your mixture a thick batter. When you scoop it with a spoon it should neither run off or stick completely, but rather leisurely drift back to the bowl in a particularly louche manner.



# Grab a cupcake tray and line with cases. Drop about a tablespoon of mixture in each cupcake case.

# Bake! 15-20 minutes should do it. When cakes are risen and are a lovely golden colour, jab one with a skewer. If it comes out clean, cakes are done! If it has a bit of mix on, give them another few minutes.



# Set cakes out to cool while you make icing.

# Chop up 100g of butter and blend with 10ml of maple syrup.

# Add icing sugar until you have a thick paste. Ice the cakes! Eat as much icing as you want, it's incredibly delicious.

# Fry or grill bacon, about three rashers. Then chop up. Decorate lovely cupcakes with bacon.

# If you're special like me, you may wish to cut your bacon into the shape of a moose head. This is labour intensive. If you are a vegetarian, probably don't add the bacon, the maple cupcakes are delicious just as they are.





# Enjoy delicious Canadian cupcakes. Be prepared for people to look at you like you might have gone insane, but then propose marriage when they actually try one.

The Big Fat Egg Of Solid Fuck

There's this little show called The Thick Of It that is pretty much the greatest thing in the world. For the finalé of the latest series, my friends and I had a themed party, because we're exactly that brilliant. Have a look here, about 4:40 in.



YOU WILL NEED
3 Kinder eggs
2 bars of Cadbury's Caramel
1 bag of Kiddies' Supermix Haribo


THE METHOD

# Heat a sharp knife over a lighter or gas hob or something. Probably also have a damp cloth or soggy kitchen roll handy to clean the knife every now and then. Get it hot, but for fuck's sake be careful.

# Unwrap Kinder eggs carefully. Use hot knife to slice them open. CAREFULLY. They will break if you're not careful. Remove toys.

# Put eggshell halves on a plate in the fridge. They are pathetically thin so any time you're not handling them they need to be chilled otherwise they will melt and cover your kitchen in goo.

# Finely chop Caramel bars and fifteen Haribo sweets. The best sweets to use are the ones that are jelly on top and foam on the bottom. Get a good mix of colours.

# Put chopped things in a microwavable bowl and make sure they're nicely mixed. Pop in microwave for about 30 seconds. It really doesn't take long. Much much less time than you expect. Seriously, if you do it for longer the sugar will get too hot and the chocolate will burn and it will be hell.

# Give melted things a bit of a stir, this will make a truly disgusting goop. Leave goop to cool for about five minutes. I hope you weren't too attached to that bowl. Because now the goop is.

# So something to do with gelatine means the goop should now be a mouldable putty. You will know if it is not ready because the hot sugar will melt your skin. Warm to cool what we want. Split it into three equal balls of putty.

# Fetch eggshells from fridge. CAREFULLY pop a putty ball into one half shell, then CAREFULLY place the other half shell on top. Do this quickly, three times, before the shells melt. The putty will hold the shells together, don't worry about rejoining the seam.

# BACK IN FRIDGE FUCKING QUICKLY.

# Give it about twenty minutes, then grab some aluminium foil to wrap your eggs up.

# CONGRATULATIONS you have just laid your first big fat eggs of solid fuck. I'm so proud.



This recipe is dedicated to the excellent Armando Iannucci, Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Ian Martin, Tony Roche, Roger Drew, Sean Gray, Will Smith, and Peter Capaldi. Thanks, chaps.

Dante's Chilli Chocolate Cookies

Chilli and chocolate has long been a flavour combination of choice for sinners and deviants everywhere. In the Special Hell, it is served in cookie form.

YOU WILL NEED
(makes 12 cookies)
100g butter
100g chocolate
75g granulated sugar
50g brown sugar
1 egg
160g plain flour
1 fresh chilli


THE METHOD

# Fire up your fiery pit of Hell (or, oven) to Gas 5, 190c, 375f.
Now would also be a good time to line up your soundtrack. I er, chose The Divine Comedy. Obviously.

# Get your butter and chocolate. Make it good chocolate, you hear? 70% cocoa at the very least. If we're going to do this, let's do it properly. Chop everything up good and proper and put in a bowl over a pan of boiling water. This is the good way of melting things. I suppose you could use a microwave. Y'know, since you're going to hell anyway.

# I took a picture of the melted butter and chocolate because it looks so good I pretty much want to dunk my head in it. I didn't though.



# Mix your two sugars in a big bowl and pour on melted stuff. Stir until mixed smooth. Really, try not to dunk your head in it. It looks amazing and I know you're going to taste it, just don't scoff the whole lot.

# Lightly beat an egg in a cup, then add that too. It gives a nice glossy sheen to your mix and binds it a bit more. STOP EATING IT.

# Sieve in the flour. Mixxy mixxy mix. YAY!! Cookie dough!

# Now for the chilli! Here is a picture of my chilli next to an egg. This should give you a rough idea of how much chilli to use.



You have two options here:

1. The Cerberus Variation
The Third Circle of Hell is home to gluttons who would rather chomp as many cookies as they like without fear of FIRE.
Cut your chilli lengthways and scrape out the seeds. Dispose of seeds. Finely slice chilli and mix into cookie dough.

2. The Minotaur Variation
Come violents, sodomites, and blasphemers of the Seventh Circle, melt your faces and feel the burn.
Cut chilli in half. Only use half a chilli. Finely chop. Leave the seeds in. Mix with dough.

# WASH YOUR HANDS DO IT NOW. It's much easier to do this now than accidentally touch your eye with chillifingers and then when your eye hurts you touch it AGAIN because you're a moron. Wash your hands.

# Roll dough into balls and shape into cookies. They don't spread, so make them the size you want them. Arrange on a baking tray lined with greaseproof paper.



# If you like, decorate the tops of the cookies with chopped chilli. Pop into the FIERY BOWELS for 15 minutes.



# Once cooked, let your cookies rest on the tray for a while before transferring to a wire rack to cool. Store in an airtight container.

# Enjoy your Hellish creations warm with a devilishly delicious cup of hot tea.

Lemonade Popcorn

A very quick one just to start off. A test run, if you will.

YOU WILL NEED
1 bag of microwave popcorn (sweet, not salt)
1 lemon
2 tablespoons of granulated sugar


THE METHOD

# Find a huge bowl.

# Juice your lemon. Juice it good.

# Follow instructions on microwave popcorn.

# Don't let your popcorn burn. A few extra kernels left at the bottom of the bag is much better than burning popcorn ruining your entire batch. If your popcorn burns you are a colossal fucktard and you probably shouldn't be allowed in a kitchen unsupervised.



# Empty bag of popcorn into huge bowl.

# Drizzle your lemon juice over the popcorn. The liquid hitting puffy corn bits makes a fizzing noise! Wheeeee!

# Sprinkle on sugar; that's a lot of lemon and we are not animals.

# Lemonade popcorn! So simple, only an idiot would fuck up any part of it. I am shamed.