Peanut Pork

My camera is all broken at the moment (ie. I can't be bothered to replace the batteries just yet) so this week is something very very simple without pictures: a sandwich.

YOU WILL NEED
bread
butter
Brussels pâté
peanut butter
gherkins


THE METHOD

# Toast two slices of bread. Try and make it good bread. Sourdough or rye would go particularly well with this.

# Slather both slices with butter.

# Spread peanut butter on one slice. Again, make it good stuff. I don't want to sound like a wanker, but that unsweetened organic stuff from health shops is marvellous.

# Spread Brussels pâté nice and thick on the other slice of toast.

# Slice up some gherkins and lay them on one slice.

# Assemble your sandwich. Eat and enjoy.

# Practice saying "I'm not actually pregnant" in the mirror. You might need it if you eat the sandwich in public.

Meaty Monster Balls

I've been rather busy this week and didn't have time to plan anything. Cue a Thursday evening staring at my cupboards wondering what to do. Staring at cupboards can produce interesting results. Meatballs and Monster Munch, you say?


YOU WILL NEED
(serves 4)
12 meatballs
150g plain flour
75g butter
3 eggs
tomato pureé
assorted herbs and spices
3 bags of pickled onion flavour Monster Munch


THE METHOD

# Heat some oil in a pan and cook your meatballs. Get 'em good and crispy.



# While the meatballs are cooking through, whisk together butter, flour, and eggs into a batter.

# To the batter, add a couple of tablespoons of tomato pureé and whatever herbs and spices you find delicious. I've gone for cayenne pepper, ground coriander, nutmeg, paprika, and basil.

# Crush up your three bags of Monster Munch. Try not to be too sad about it. Add it to the mix.



# Remove meatballs from the pan, and pour a good pool of oil in the pan to heat up. Put a little flour in a bowl and coat the meatballs. Then coat the meatballs in batter.



# Shallow fry the meatballs three at a time. Optional, but for really tasty balls, do a second coating of batter.



# Skewer three meatballs together and serve. A yoghurt or tomato-based dip is also an excellent idea. These are really not as disgusting as they sound.

# SUCK ON MY MEATY MONSTER BALLS.

Pomilli

Poor vegetarians. They miss out on so much. For example, the layered juicy goodness of a turducken; a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. No one should be denied this type of kitchen fun, so here is a mini veggie version. A chilli inside a tomato inside a bell pepper. The Pomilli.


YOU WILL NEED
(serves 2)
2 bell peppers
2 large tomatoes
2 chillies
2 cloves of garlic
1 small onion
100g cheese (weight approximate, it's about volume really)


THE METHOD



# Get the oven warming up to Gas 4, 175c, 350f.

# Chop the tops off the chillies and scoop out the seeds. Stuff a peeled clove of garlic into each.



# Cut the tops off the tomatoes and scoop out seeds. Sprinkle a little salt on the inside.

# Finely chop half an onion. Put some onion at the bottom of each tomato, place the chilli inside, then add more onion until it is stuffed



# Cut the tops off the peppers and scoop out seeds.

# Finely chop the rest of the onion and mix with cheese. I'm using little pieces of haloumi, but mozzarella, cheddar, goat's cheese are all good. Season how you like. Mine's got black pepper, basil, and oregano.



# Put some cheese mix in each of the peppers, place a tomato in each. Stuff sides and top with remaining cheese.



# Place tops of peppers back on and stand in a roasting tin. Pour a little water in the bottom of the tin and drizzle with olive oil.



# Roast in the oven for an hour.





# Hooray POMILLI!! Serve with rice on the side, or if you're not vegetarian a steak or something. Or cram into some fresh crusty bread for an amazing sandwich.

Chicken Yoghurt

This is what Horror Kitchen is all about. Things that you think should go together. Try it. Does it work? Um... kinda? Note, this makes an excellent filling for wraps if you make way too much. Like I did.


YOU WILL NEED
1 tub natural yoghurt (about 425g, but it doesn't really matter)
fresh mint
lime juice
garam masala powder
2 chicken breasts
1 onion


THE METHOD

# Grab a mixing bowl and put the yoghurt in it. Give it a mix because yoghurt does this separatey-out thing that is no good.

# Chop up a good handful of fresh mint and mix it into the yoghurt. Add a squeeze of lime juice.

# Transfer about 2/3 of the yoghurt to a different bowl. Put this in the fridge and forget about it for a while.

# Stir a tablespoon of garam masala into the remaining yoghurt. You could also use tandoori masala, but I like garam. So ner.



# Finely chop up chicken breasts into little cubes.



# Stir into yoghurt. Leave to marinate, preferably overnight but anything more than a couple of hours is fine.

# Finely chop an onion and gently fry in a big pan to soften up and colour a bit.

# Add marinated chicken. Turn up the heat. It's going to be very liquidy for a while, but press on until all the moisture is gone.



# Leave chicken to cool. Serve with that yoghurt that was separated off earlier and bread or rice of your choosing. Yum!



My photography skills leave a lot to be desired. It looks really tasty in real life, honest.

Lemonade Popcorn

A very quick one just to start off. A test run, if you will.

YOU WILL NEED
1 bag of microwave popcorn (sweet, not salt)
1 lemon
2 tablespoons of granulated sugar


THE METHOD

# Find a huge bowl.

# Juice your lemon. Juice it good.

# Follow instructions on microwave popcorn.

# Don't let your popcorn burn. A few extra kernels left at the bottom of the bag is much better than burning popcorn ruining your entire batch. If your popcorn burns you are a colossal fucktard and you probably shouldn't be allowed in a kitchen unsupervised.



# Empty bag of popcorn into huge bowl.

# Drizzle your lemon juice over the popcorn. The liquid hitting puffy corn bits makes a fizzing noise! Wheeeee!

# Sprinkle on sugar; that's a lot of lemon and we are not animals.

# Lemonade popcorn! So simple, only an idiot would fuck up any part of it. I am shamed.