Friday, 23 April 2010

Peanut Pork

My camera is all broken at the moment (ie. I can't be bothered to replace the batteries just yet) so this week is something very very simple without pictures: a sandwich.

Brussels pâté
peanut butter


# Toast two slices of bread. Try and make it good bread. Sourdough or rye would go particularly well with this.

# Slather both slices with butter.

# Spread peanut butter on one slice. Again, make it good stuff. I don't want to sound like a wanker, but that unsweetened organic stuff from health shops is marvellous.

# Spread Brussels pâté nice and thick on the other slice of toast.

# Slice up some gherkins and lay them on one slice.

# Assemble your sandwich. Eat and enjoy.

# Practice saying "I'm not actually pregnant" in the mirror. You might need it if you eat the sandwich in public.

Friday, 16 April 2010

You May Also Like...

No HK again this week. Very poor excuse this time. My intended recipe relied on me getting a fairly rare item as fresh as I could, and I failed. I also failed to see that as a possibility, so also failed to create a back-up plan. FAIL, as the kids on the internets say.

Instead, here are three food blogs I enjoy, and I think you should too.

No Love Sincerer
Charlene makes utterly splendid looking food and does the kind of excellent cooking I would do if I were a real person and not a moron with an unreliable oven. Also, I am jealous of her balcony garden.

Serenely Full
Suz is one of the funniest food bloggers going. The reviews of MasterChef and tales of the kitchen absolutely crack me up. And oh yeah, she can cook too. She's a Daring Baker, even! I love this blog.

This Is Why You're Fat
If all that is too sensible, take a look at this. Brilliant long-running tumblr featuring truly disgusting home experiments and the artery-bursting treats offered up by real restaurants. I'm not going to lie, I get quite a lot of inspiration from this site.

See you next week.
R x

Friday, 9 April 2010

Meaty Monster Balls

I've been rather busy this week and didn't have time to plan anything. Cue a Thursday evening staring at my cupboards wondering what to do. Staring at cupboards can produce interesting results. Meatballs and Monster Munch, you say?

(serves 4)
12 meatballs
150g plain flour
75g butter
3 eggs
tomato pureé
assorted herbs and spices
3 bags of pickled onion flavour Monster Munch


# Heat some oil in a pan and cook your meatballs. Get 'em good and crispy.

# While the meatballs are cooking through, whisk together butter, flour, and eggs into a batter.

# To the batter, add a couple of tablespoons of tomato pureé and whatever herbs and spices you find delicious. I've gone for cayenne pepper, ground coriander, nutmeg, paprika, and basil.

# Crush up your three bags of Monster Munch. Try not to be too sad about it. Add it to the mix.

# Remove meatballs from the pan, and pour a good pool of oil in the pan to heat up. Put a little flour in a bowl and coat the meatballs. Then coat the meatballs in batter.

# Shallow fry the meatballs three at a time. Optional, but for really tasty balls, do a second coating of batter.

# Skewer three meatballs together and serve. A yoghurt or tomato-based dip is also an excellent idea. These are really not as disgusting as they sound.


Friday, 2 April 2010

Bunny Pudding

Horror Kitchen is taking a little break this week. The following recipe comes from A Plain Cookery Book for the Working Classes by Charles Elmé Francatelli c. 1860 (ISBN 0-946014-15-9) It is the most fabulously patronising cookbook I own.

Happy Easter!

No. 66. Rabbit Pudding.
Skin and wash the rabbit, and cut it up in pieces; fry these brown with a bit of butter. season with chopped onions, parsley, and winter savoury, pepper and salt, shake in a good spoonful of flour, moisten with a little ketchup and a gill of water; toss the saucepan about on the fire while the pieces of rabbit boil for about ten minutes, and then pour the whole into a proper sized basin lined with a suet or dripping crust; let the pudding be covered in with some of the paste, put it into a baking-dish half full of hot water, and placed in the oven, to bake for an hour and a-half.

Photo by Holly Burns.

Friday, 26 March 2010

Orange Mud Cups

This week I had a go at combining two of my favourite cakes, the chocolate brownie and the lemon drizzle. Only, y'know, with orange because then it would be chocolate orange which is probably better than chocolate lemon. Anyway, the results were astonishing.

(makes 16 cupcakes)
185g butter
185g dark chocolate
3 eggs
275g golden caster sugar
1 medium-large orange
85g plain flour
40g cocoa powder
6 tablespoons icing sugar


# Put a small pan of water on to boil, and put a bowl on top. Make sure the bowl doesn't touch the water. Chop up butter and chocolate and melt them together in the bowl. Keep stirring and don't let it burn. That would be horrible. When it's all blended, take it off the stove.

# Turn your oven to Gas 4, 177c, 350f.

# Crack eggs into a large mixing bowl and pour sugar on top. Beat with an electric whisk for AGES. It does take ages. If you can do it with one of them olde fashioned acoustic whisks, then I commend your wrist action.
Whip until the mixture is really thick like an amazing custard.

# Grate the zest of your orange. Put about a quarter of it aside for later, stir the rest into the melty chocolate butter, which should be quite cool now.

# Pour melty chocolate orange butter into the egg mousse and use a spatula to fold it in. Keep stirring gently until it is well blended and you can no longer resist eating some.

# Sift flour and cocoa powder into the mix and stir again until it is looking like a cake batter.

# Set out a cupcake tray with paper cases and spoon about a tablespoon and a half of mixture into each. The cakes are going to rise quite dramatically in the oven, but will shrink again, so be generous. Pop in the oven for 15-20 minutes

(At this point I would like to say that doing them as cupcakes was a bit of a mistake on my part. What would work really well is greasing 8 or so ramekins with butter, splitting the mixture between them, and baking for about 30 minutes.)

# While the cakes are baking, juice your orange and put that bit of left over zest in it. Sift in the icing sugar and dissolve it until you have a syrup.

# Test if cakes are done. They should be reasonably solid around the edges and have a crispy brownie-like crust, but very squishy if you poke the middle. Remove from oven if they're done, give them a couple of extra minutes if not.

# Once they're ready, prick the tops of the cakes with a skewer (or fondue fork) and pour about a tablespoon of the orange syrup onto each cake and leave for a few minutes to absorb. This is sticky and horrible and amazing.

# Eat a cake now if you wish. They are amazing warm, but they do rather fall apart, so get a spoon. If you do the cupcake version, leave them to cool completely and microwave for about 15 seconds to serve. If you do the mini-soufflé version, serve immediately with good vanilla ice-cream and pretend you've made a very posh orange chocolate fondant pudding, when what it really is is a Mud Cup.

Friday, 19 March 2010

Rabbit Dropping Pancakes

Actually nothing particularly horrific about this one. Just when my brother and I were little, we would joyously declare that raisins were rabbit poo as we wolfed them down. To be honest, we still do that.

(makes 4-6 pancakes)
100g flour
20g caster sugar
50g butter
2 eggs
120ml milk
lemon juice
vanilla essence


# Sieve flour, sugar, and cinnamon together in a big bowl.

# Melt butter and add half to flour.

# Crack in eggs and whisk to a paste.

# Add milk and whisk until smooth.

# Throw in half a teaspoon of vanilla essence and two tablespoons of lemon juice.

# Heat up a pan and grease lightly with some of the left over butter. The best way to do this is by dipping kitchen roll in butter, then wiping the pan with it.

# Really make sure the pan is hot. Do a little test pancake. If it takes more than about a minute to cook, get hotter. If it burns, turn the heat down a little.

# Spoon some batter onto the pan.

# While one side cooks, sprinkle raisins on top.

# Flip the pancake. Normally I encourage showing off, but I recommend using a spatula or something for this instead of tossing it, mostly because it works best if the top of the pancake isn't cooked yet. Tossing would make pancake batter fly everywhere. Just flip it gently.

# Cook the other side of the pancake. Once this is done, feel free to toss as much as you like.

# That's literally all there is to it. Lazy this week. Anyway, enjoy your rabbit dropping pancakes. I like mine with raspberry jam that I can pretend is rabbit blood. Mwuhahahaha.

Thursday, 11 March 2010


Poor vegetarians. They miss out on so much. For example, the layered juicy goodness of a turducken; a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. No one should be denied this type of kitchen fun, so here is a mini veggie version. A chilli inside a tomato inside a bell pepper. The Pomilli.

(serves 2)
2 bell peppers
2 large tomatoes
2 chillies
2 cloves of garlic
1 small onion
100g cheese (weight approximate, it's about volume really)


# Get the oven warming up to Gas 4, 175c, 350f.

# Chop the tops off the chillies and scoop out the seeds. Stuff a peeled clove of garlic into each.

# Cut the tops off the tomatoes and scoop out seeds. Sprinkle a little salt on the inside.

# Finely chop half an onion. Put some onion at the bottom of each tomato, place the chilli inside, then add more onion until it is stuffed

# Cut the tops off the peppers and scoop out seeds.

# Finely chop the rest of the onion and mix with cheese. I'm using little pieces of haloumi, but mozzarella, cheddar, goat's cheese are all good. Season how you like. Mine's got black pepper, basil, and oregano.

# Put some cheese mix in each of the peppers, place a tomato in each. Stuff sides and top with remaining cheese.

# Place tops of peppers back on and stand in a roasting tin. Pour a little water in the bottom of the tin and drizzle with olive oil.

# Roast in the oven for an hour.

# Hooray POMILLI!! Serve with rice on the side, or if you're not vegetarian a steak or something. Or cram into some fresh crusty bread for an amazing sandwich.

Friday, 5 March 2010

Blue Hawaiian Flapjacks

The Blue Hawaiian is a cocktail made by mixing equal parts rum, blue curacao, cream of coconut and a double helping of pineapple juice. All well and good (if a little sickly for my dry taste) but it's not my own invention and I think you'll agree what is really needed here is a way to eat cocktails.

(makes 16 pieces)
200g butter, and a bit over for greasing
200g demerara sugar, also an extra tablespoon full for the topping
2 tablespoons of golden syrup
275g porridge oats
100g dessicated coconut
75g dried pineapple
1 orange
Captain Morgan rum
150ml double cream
blue food colouring


# Get the oven warming up to Gas 3, 160c, 325f.

# Get a big saucepan and bung in the butter, sugar, and syrup. Leave it on a low heat to melt.

# Pineapple! I guess you could use fresh, but that will probably make your mixture a bit slippery and lead to its ultimate demise. Also, I found this dried stuff and it freaked my shit out, so I bought it immediately. Confront your fears.

# Anyway, chop up pineapple and grate up the zest of your orange. Yummy!!

# The butter, sugar and syrup should be melted now. Give it a good stir. Taste if you want, it'll be hard to resist, but probably don't lick the metal spoon that's been in the pan the whole time. That will be hot. Ow.

# Stir oats and coconut into the melty goodness. Then add pineapple and orange zest and give it all a good mix. Eat some. NOT ALL OF IT.

# Grease up a baking tray with butter and spread the mixture out flat. Pop in the oven for 30 minutes.

# While you're waiting for the flapjack to bake, grab a large bowl and drop a tablespoon of demerara sugar in. Then three tablespoons of dark rum. Give this a good stir and leave it for a bit so the sugar dissolves. Taste if you like, but you might die.

# Pour in the double cream and beat with an electric whisk until it's all stiffened up. At this point you may add the blue, depending on exactly how blue you want it. I went for a couple of teaspoons. BLUUUUUUUE! Put this topping in the fridge until you need it.

# When the flapjack is done, take it out of the oven and allow to cool for ten minutes, then cut into sixteen pieces and set out on a wire rack to cool completely.

# Decorate flapjack with boozy blue topping. And ta-da! Blue Hawaiian Flapjack! Damn tasty.

Friday, 26 February 2010

Garlic Stars

Ok, the way Horror Kitchen generally works is this: On Monday I start ruminating about what kind of thing I'd like to mess about with. On Tuesday or Wednesday I have a EUREKA moment and cackle helplessly to myself. On Thursday I go out and buy ingredients and spend an afternoon turning my kitchen into a bombsite. On Friday I post the recipe and photos to the blog, with the idea that the more mentally deficient of its readers can try things out over the weekend.

However, this Thursday it was dark and rainy and I was grumpy and had no intention to leave the house. Which left me without ingredients for the monstrosity I had planned (of which more next week) instead only what was already in the cupboards: things for cake (there are always things for cake, never know when the cake urge will strike) and garlic.

I think you can see where I'm going with this.

(makes 6 cupcakes)
50g butter
30g sugar
1 egg
70g self-raising flour
3 cloves of garlic
tomato purée


# Set your oven to Gas 4, 177c, 350f.

# Cream together butter and sugar, beat in egg, mix in flour. We all know how to make cake.

# Finely chop up garlic. Garlic crushers are for lazy dysdextrous people. CHOP. With a KNIFE.

# Stir garlic into cake mixture. Become increasingly confused as to why you're doing this.

# Taste mixture. Hold back vomit.

# Split mixture between six of the magnificent star-shaped silicone cupcake moulds your best friend got you from the Science Museum. If you don't have a best friend who did this, more fool you.

# Stick cakes in oven for 20 minutes, until the tops are lovely and crispy. Be confused by the smell. Mmmmmm, fresh cakes. Mmmmmm, baked garlic. But? WHAT?

# Let them cool a while, then decorate with tomato purée.

# And there we go. I can't emphasise enough how much you shouldn't make these. It will be a waste of everyone's time and resources and tastebuds. They are fucking horrible. This is the first real disaster to grace the Horror Kitchen, and in a way I'm a little bit proud of that. But please, for the love of everything you hold dear, never attempt garlic cupcakes. Thank you.

Friday, 19 February 2010

Chicken Yoghurt

This is what Horror Kitchen is all about. Things that you think should go together. Try it. Does it work? Um... kinda? Note, this makes an excellent filling for wraps if you make way too much. Like I did.

1 tub natural yoghurt (about 425g, but it doesn't really matter)
fresh mint
lime juice
garam masala powder
2 chicken breasts
1 onion


# Grab a mixing bowl and put the yoghurt in it. Give it a mix because yoghurt does this separatey-out thing that is no good.

# Chop up a good handful of fresh mint and mix it into the yoghurt. Add a squeeze of lime juice.

# Transfer about 2/3 of the yoghurt to a different bowl. Put this in the fridge and forget about it for a while.

# Stir a tablespoon of garam masala into the remaining yoghurt. You could also use tandoori masala, but I like garam. So ner.

# Finely chop up chicken breasts into little cubes.

# Stir into yoghurt. Leave to marinate, preferably overnight but anything more than a couple of hours is fine.

# Finely chop an onion and gently fry in a big pan to soften up and colour a bit.

# Add marinated chicken. Turn up the heat. It's going to be very liquidy for a while, but press on until all the moisture is gone.

# Leave chicken to cool. Serve with that yoghurt that was separated off earlier and bread or rice of your choosing. Yum!

My photography skills leave a lot to be desired. It looks really tasty in real life, honest.

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Oh, Canada Cupcakes

Those who know me know I'm a bit of a Canadaphile. I choose to express my love in various ways, this time via the medium of cupcakes.

(makes 12 cupcakes)
200g butter
100g sugar
1 egg
100g self-raising flour
maple syrup
icing sugar


# On with the oven! Gas 4, 177c, 350f.

# Soften 100g of butter and beat in sugar until it is creamed. Add egg and mix thoroughly.

# Sift in flour and blend.

# Pour in about 30ml of maple syrup and mix well.

# Add milk or flour to make your mixture a thick batter. When you scoop it with a spoon it should neither run off or stick completely, but rather leisurely drift back to the bowl in a particularly louche manner.

# Grab a cupcake tray and line with cases. Drop about a tablespoon of mixture in each cupcake case.

# Bake! 15-20 minutes should do it. When cakes are risen and are a lovely golden colour, jab one with a skewer. If it comes out clean, cakes are done! If it has a bit of mix on, give them another few minutes.

# Set cakes out to cool while you make icing.

# Chop up 100g of butter and blend with 10ml of maple syrup.

# Add icing sugar until you have a thick paste. Ice the cakes! Eat as much icing as you want, it's incredibly delicious.

# Fry or grill bacon, about three rashers. Then chop up. Decorate lovely cupcakes with bacon.

# If you're special like me, you may wish to cut your bacon into the shape of a moose head. This is labour intensive. If you are a vegetarian, probably don't add the bacon, the maple cupcakes are delicious just as they are.

# Enjoy delicious Canadian cupcakes. Be prepared for people to look at you like you might have gone insane, but then propose marriage when they actually try one.

Friday, 5 February 2010

Swamp Toast

I'm currently nursing an absolute bitch of a head cold, so this week is very quick, short, easy comfort food.

clove garlic
half an onion
some mushrooms
some bread


# Finely chop garlic and onion. Spend lots of time on this as the decongestant properties of airborne onion juice is very appealing. This is literally the only time crying while chopping onions is acceptable.

# Set onion and garlic off frying. Low low heat, the aim is to gently soften, not brown or crispify.

# Slice up mushrooms, as many as you can conceivably eat. This is a lot for me. Sorry, all you weirdos who don't like mushrooms, this is not your week.

# Add mushrooms to frying pan and stir. Probably add a bit more oil if it's looking dry.

# Time for seasoning! Plenty of salt and black pepper with your choice of extras. I like a tiny touch of both cumin (I adore cumin, I am obsessed with cumin) and cayenne pepper. Stir and keep on the low heat until everything is nice and soft.

# Add a little gloop of cream to the pan and turn the heat up a little. It will look thick, then more liquidy, then back to thick. While you wait for this to happen, whack some bread in the toaster.

# Toast done, swamp done, serve. If it suits you, add some HP sauce too. Delicious and soothing. Guzzle with a mug of strong tea.

Friday, 29 January 2010

The Big Fat Egg Of Solid Fuck

There's this little show called The Thick Of It that is pretty much the greatest thing in the world. For the finalé of the latest series, my friends and I had a themed party, because we're exactly that brilliant. Have a look here, about 4:40 in.

3 Kinder eggs
2 bars of Cadbury's Caramel
1 bag of Kiddies' Supermix Haribo


# Heat a sharp knife over a lighter or gas hob or something. Probably also have a damp cloth or soggy kitchen roll handy to clean the knife every now and then. Get it hot, but for fuck's sake be careful.

# Unwrap Kinder eggs carefully. Use hot knife to slice them open. CAREFULLY. They will break if you're not careful. Remove toys.

# Put eggshell halves on a plate in the fridge. They are pathetically thin so any time you're not handling them they need to be chilled otherwise they will melt and cover your kitchen in goo.

# Finely chop Caramel bars and fifteen Haribo sweets. The best sweets to use are the ones that are jelly on top and foam on the bottom. Get a good mix of colours.

# Put chopped things in a microwavable bowl and make sure they're nicely mixed. Pop in microwave for about 30 seconds. It really doesn't take long. Much much less time than you expect. Seriously, if you do it for longer the sugar will get too hot and the chocolate will burn and it will be hell.

# Give melted things a bit of a stir, this will make a truly disgusting goop. Leave goop to cool for about five minutes. I hope you weren't too attached to that bowl. Because now the goop is.

# So something to do with gelatine means the goop should now be a mouldable putty. You will know if it is not ready because the hot sugar will melt your skin. Warm to cool what we want. Split it into three equal balls of putty.

# Fetch eggshells from fridge. CAREFULLY pop a putty ball into one half shell, then CAREFULLY place the other half shell on top. Do this quickly, three times, before the shells melt. The putty will hold the shells together, don't worry about rejoining the seam.


# Give it about twenty minutes, then grab some aluminium foil to wrap your eggs up.

# CONGRATULATIONS you have just laid your first big fat eggs of solid fuck. I'm so proud.

This recipe is dedicated to the excellent Armando Iannucci, Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Ian Martin, Tony Roche, Roger Drew, Sean Gray, Will Smith, and Peter Capaldi. Thanks, chaps.

Friday, 22 January 2010

Open Heart Savouries

These were devised as a tasty bit of weird for my friend Liz's birthday.

(makes 25 canapés)
15 cherry tomatoes
1 pack puff pastry
200g cream cheese
1 red pepper
1 egg

small pastry cutter (Doesn't have to be heart-shaped, but if it isn't you can't do the Open Heart Savouries pun, which would be a shame)


# Pop on the oven and get it to a nice warm Gas 2, 149c, 300f.

# Line a baking tray with greaseproof paper. This isn't essential, but advisable unless you want to try cleaning caramel sugar off your tray. Ick.

# Slice tomatoes in half and place cut side up on the tray. Season. This bit is really up to you. I prefer a good amount of caster sugar, a touch of salt, and a good twist of black pepper. Feel free to go crazy with basil, thyme, chilli, anything really.

# Tray of tomatoes in the oven. They will take a varying amount of time, depending on your oven. They'll be fine for an hour. After that, start checking every ten minutes until they look caramelly and dried and luscious. Eat one or two. They're amazing. Make these whenever you want. They store well in a jar of olive oil to be nibbled on as sweeties. Nom.

# I used pre-rolled puff pastry because I'm a terrible cheat. If you're an honest person, roll out your pastry to about half a centimetre thick. Line another baking tray with paper.

# Cut out twenty eight little pastry hearts and arrange on the tray.

# Beat up an egg and brush the hearts with the wash.

# Cut out more hearts, but these ones need a circle cut out of the middle of them. Place each heart-ring on top of the egg-washed hearts. Then give another egg wash. Put them in the fridge for half an hour.

# While you're waiting, finely chop a red pepper and give it a quick whizz in the blender with the cream cheese. Just mix, you don't really want to purée.

# Turn the oven up to Gas 7, 218c, 425f. Put tray of pastries in the oven. They will take about 20 minutes to bake. Again, keep an eye out.

# When the pastry hearts are ready, remove from oven and let them cool a while. They will have little circles on the top. Cut these out and voila! Little heart pastry cases!

# Fill the cases with a little cream cheese mix. Don't throw away any leftover cream cheese. It makes lovely sandwich spread, or dip or something.

# Pop a cherry tomato on each pastry and you're done! Eat some. Marvel. I did. I'm not sure I expected this to work.

# Serve at a birthday party with excellent friends. Give them pointed looks until they tell you how amazing you are in the kitchen.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Dante's Chilli Chocolate Cookies

Chilli and chocolate has long been a flavour combination of choice for sinners and deviants everywhere. In the Special Hell, it is served in cookie form.

(makes 12 cookies)
100g butter
100g chocolate
75g granulated sugar
50g brown sugar
1 egg
160g plain flour
1 fresh chilli


# Fire up your fiery pit of Hell (or, oven) to Gas 5, 190c, 375f.
Now would also be a good time to line up your soundtrack. I er, chose The Divine Comedy. Obviously.

# Get your butter and chocolate. Make it good chocolate, you hear? 70% cocoa at the very least. If we're going to do this, let's do it properly. Chop everything up good and proper and put in a bowl over a pan of boiling water. This is the good way of melting things. I suppose you could use a microwave. Y'know, since you're going to hell anyway.

# I took a picture of the melted butter and chocolate because it looks so good I pretty much want to dunk my head in it. I didn't though.

# Mix your two sugars in a big bowl and pour on melted stuff. Stir until mixed smooth. Really, try not to dunk your head in it. It looks amazing and I know you're going to taste it, just don't scoff the whole lot.

# Lightly beat an egg in a cup, then add that too. It gives a nice glossy sheen to your mix and binds it a bit more. STOP EATING IT.

# Sieve in the flour. Mixxy mixxy mix. YAY!! Cookie dough!

# Now for the chilli! Here is a picture of my chilli next to an egg. This should give you a rough idea of how much chilli to use.

You have two options here:

1. The Cerberus Variation
The Third Circle of Hell is home to gluttons who would rather chomp as many cookies as they like without fear of FIRE.
Cut your chilli lengthways and scrape out the seeds. Dispose of seeds. Finely slice chilli and mix into cookie dough.

2. The Minotaur Variation
Come violents, sodomites, and blasphemers of the Seventh Circle, melt your faces and feel the burn.
Cut chilli in half. Only use half a chilli. Finely chop. Leave the seeds in. Mix with dough.

# WASH YOUR HANDS DO IT NOW. It's much easier to do this now than accidentally touch your eye with chillifingers and then when your eye hurts you touch it AGAIN because you're a moron. Wash your hands.

# Roll dough into balls and shape into cookies. They don't spread, so make them the size you want them. Arrange on a baking tray lined with greaseproof paper.

# If you like, decorate the tops of the cookies with chopped chilli. Pop into the FIERY BOWELS for 15 minutes.

# Once cooked, let your cookies rest on the tray for a while before transferring to a wire rack to cool. Store in an airtight container.

# Enjoy your Hellish creations warm with a devilishly delicious cup of hot tea.