My camera is all broken at the moment (ie. I can't be bothered to replace the batteries just yet) so this week is something very very simple without pictures: a sandwich.
YOU WILL NEED
bread
butter
Brussels pâté
peanut butter
gherkins
THE METHOD
# Toast two slices of bread. Try and make it good bread. Sourdough or rye would go particularly well with this.
# Slather both slices with butter.
# Spread peanut butter on one slice. Again, make it good stuff. I don't want to sound like a wanker, but that unsweetened organic stuff from health shops is marvellous.
# Spread Brussels pâté nice and thick on the other slice of toast.
# Slice up some gherkins and lay them on one slice.
# Assemble your sandwich. Eat and enjoy.
# Practice saying "I'm not actually pregnant" in the mirror. You might need it if you eat the sandwich in public.
Showing posts with label savoury. Show all posts
Showing posts with label savoury. Show all posts
Friday, 23 April 2010
Friday, 9 April 2010
Meaty Monster Balls
I've been rather busy this week and didn't have time to plan anything. Cue a Thursday evening staring at my cupboards wondering what to do. Staring at cupboards can produce interesting results. Meatballs and Monster Munch, you say?
YOU WILL NEED
(serves 4)
12 meatballs
150g plain flour
75g butter
3 eggs
tomato pureé
assorted herbs and spices
3 bags of pickled onion flavour Monster Munch
THE METHOD
# Heat some oil in a pan and cook your meatballs. Get 'em good and crispy.
# While the meatballs are cooking through, whisk together butter, flour, and eggs into a batter.
# To the batter, add a couple of tablespoons of tomato pureé and whatever herbs and spices you find delicious. I've gone for cayenne pepper, ground coriander, nutmeg, paprika, and basil.
# Crush up your three bags of Monster Munch. Try not to be too sad about it. Add it to the mix.
# Remove meatballs from the pan, and pour a good pool of oil in the pan to heat up. Put a little flour in a bowl and coat the meatballs. Then coat the meatballs in batter.
# Shallow fry the meatballs three at a time. Optional, but for really tasty balls, do a second coating of batter.
# Skewer three meatballs together and serve. A yoghurt or tomato-based dip is also an excellent idea. These are really not as disgusting as they sound.
# SUCK ON MY MEATY MONSTER BALLS.
YOU WILL NEED
(serves 4)
12 meatballs
150g plain flour
75g butter
3 eggs
tomato pureé
assorted herbs and spices
3 bags of pickled onion flavour Monster Munch
THE METHOD
# Heat some oil in a pan and cook your meatballs. Get 'em good and crispy.
# While the meatballs are cooking through, whisk together butter, flour, and eggs into a batter.
# To the batter, add a couple of tablespoons of tomato pureé and whatever herbs and spices you find delicious. I've gone for cayenne pepper, ground coriander, nutmeg, paprika, and basil.
# Crush up your three bags of Monster Munch. Try not to be too sad about it. Add it to the mix.
# Remove meatballs from the pan, and pour a good pool of oil in the pan to heat up. Put a little flour in a bowl and coat the meatballs. Then coat the meatballs in batter.
# Shallow fry the meatballs three at a time. Optional, but for really tasty balls, do a second coating of batter.
# Skewer three meatballs together and serve. A yoghurt or tomato-based dip is also an excellent idea. These are really not as disgusting as they sound.
# SUCK ON MY MEATY MONSTER BALLS.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Pomilli
Poor vegetarians. They miss out on so much. For example, the layered juicy goodness of a turducken; a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey. No one should be denied this type of kitchen fun, so here is a mini veggie version. A chilli inside a tomato inside a bell pepper. The Pomilli.
YOU WILL NEED
(serves 2)
2 bell peppers
2 large tomatoes
2 chillies
2 cloves of garlic
1 small onion
100g cheese (weight approximate, it's about volume really)
THE METHOD
# Get the oven warming up to Gas 4, 175c, 350f.
# Chop the tops off the chillies and scoop out the seeds. Stuff a peeled clove of garlic into each.
# Cut the tops off the tomatoes and scoop out seeds. Sprinkle a little salt on the inside.
# Finely chop half an onion. Put some onion at the bottom of each tomato, place the chilli inside, then add more onion until it is stuffed
# Cut the tops off the peppers and scoop out seeds.
# Finely chop the rest of the onion and mix with cheese. I'm using little pieces of haloumi, but mozzarella, cheddar, goat's cheese are all good. Season how you like. Mine's got black pepper, basil, and oregano.
# Put some cheese mix in each of the peppers, place a tomato in each. Stuff sides and top with remaining cheese.
# Place tops of peppers back on and stand in a roasting tin. Pour a little water in the bottom of the tin and drizzle with olive oil.
# Roast in the oven for an hour.
# Hooray POMILLI!! Serve with rice on the side, or if you're not vegetarian a steak or something. Or cram into some fresh crusty bread for an amazing sandwich.
YOU WILL NEED
(serves 2)
2 bell peppers
2 large tomatoes
2 chillies
2 cloves of garlic
1 small onion
100g cheese (weight approximate, it's about volume really)
THE METHOD
# Get the oven warming up to Gas 4, 175c, 350f.
# Chop the tops off the chillies and scoop out the seeds. Stuff a peeled clove of garlic into each.
# Cut the tops off the tomatoes and scoop out seeds. Sprinkle a little salt on the inside.
# Finely chop half an onion. Put some onion at the bottom of each tomato, place the chilli inside, then add more onion until it is stuffed
# Cut the tops off the peppers and scoop out seeds.
# Finely chop the rest of the onion and mix with cheese. I'm using little pieces of haloumi, but mozzarella, cheddar, goat's cheese are all good. Season how you like. Mine's got black pepper, basil, and oregano.
# Put some cheese mix in each of the peppers, place a tomato in each. Stuff sides and top with remaining cheese.
# Place tops of peppers back on and stand in a roasting tin. Pour a little water in the bottom of the tin and drizzle with olive oil.
# Roast in the oven for an hour.
# Hooray POMILLI!! Serve with rice on the side, or if you're not vegetarian a steak or something. Or cram into some fresh crusty bread for an amazing sandwich.
Friday, 26 February 2010
Garlic Stars
Ok, the way Horror Kitchen generally works is this: On Monday I start ruminating about what kind of thing I'd like to mess about with. On Tuesday or Wednesday I have a EUREKA moment and cackle helplessly to myself. On Thursday I go out and buy ingredients and spend an afternoon turning my kitchen into a bombsite. On Friday I post the recipe and photos to the blog, with the idea that the more mentally deficient of its readers can try things out over the weekend.
However, this Thursday it was dark and rainy and I was grumpy and had no intention to leave the house. Which left me without ingredients for the monstrosity I had planned (of which more next week) instead only what was already in the cupboards: things for cake (there are always things for cake, never know when the cake urge will strike) and garlic.
I think you can see where I'm going with this.
YOU WILL NEED
(makes 6 cupcakes)
50g butter
30g sugar
1 egg
70g self-raising flour
3 cloves of garlic
tomato purée
THE METHOD
# Set your oven to Gas 4, 177c, 350f.
# Cream together butter and sugar, beat in egg, mix in flour. We all know how to make cake.
# Finely chop up garlic. Garlic crushers are for lazy dysdextrous people. CHOP. With a KNIFE.
# Stir garlic into cake mixture. Become increasingly confused as to why you're doing this.
# Taste mixture. Hold back vomit.
# Split mixture between six of the magnificent star-shaped silicone cupcake moulds your best friend got you from the Science Museum. If you don't have a best friend who did this, more fool you.
# Stick cakes in oven for 20 minutes, until the tops are lovely and crispy. Be confused by the smell. Mmmmmm, fresh cakes. Mmmmmm, baked garlic. But? WHAT?
# Let them cool a while, then decorate with tomato purée.
# And there we go. I can't emphasise enough how much you shouldn't make these. It will be a waste of everyone's time and resources and tastebuds. They are fucking horrible. This is the first real disaster to grace the Horror Kitchen, and in a way I'm a little bit proud of that. But please, for the love of everything you hold dear, never attempt garlic cupcakes. Thank you.
However, this Thursday it was dark and rainy and I was grumpy and had no intention to leave the house. Which left me without ingredients for the monstrosity I had planned (of which more next week) instead only what was already in the cupboards: things for cake (there are always things for cake, never know when the cake urge will strike) and garlic.
I think you can see where I'm going with this.
YOU WILL NEED
(makes 6 cupcakes)
50g butter
30g sugar
1 egg
70g self-raising flour
3 cloves of garlic
tomato purée
THE METHOD
# Set your oven to Gas 4, 177c, 350f.
# Cream together butter and sugar, beat in egg, mix in flour. We all know how to make cake.
# Finely chop up garlic. Garlic crushers are for lazy dysdextrous people. CHOP. With a KNIFE.
# Stir garlic into cake mixture. Become increasingly confused as to why you're doing this.
# Taste mixture. Hold back vomit.
# Split mixture between six of the magnificent star-shaped silicone cupcake moulds your best friend got you from the Science Museum. If you don't have a best friend who did this, more fool you.
# Stick cakes in oven for 20 minutes, until the tops are lovely and crispy. Be confused by the smell. Mmmmmm, fresh cakes. Mmmmmm, baked garlic. But? WHAT?
# Let them cool a while, then decorate with tomato purée.
# And there we go. I can't emphasise enough how much you shouldn't make these. It will be a waste of everyone's time and resources and tastebuds. They are fucking horrible. This is the first real disaster to grace the Horror Kitchen, and in a way I'm a little bit proud of that. But please, for the love of everything you hold dear, never attempt garlic cupcakes. Thank you.
Friday, 19 February 2010
Chicken Yoghurt
This is what Horror Kitchen is all about. Things that you think should go together. Try it. Does it work? Um... kinda? Note, this makes an excellent filling for wraps if you make way too much. Like I did.
YOU WILL NEED
1 tub natural yoghurt (about 425g, but it doesn't really matter)
fresh mint
lime juice
garam masala powder
2 chicken breasts
1 onion
THE METHOD
# Grab a mixing bowl and put the yoghurt in it. Give it a mix because yoghurt does this separatey-out thing that is no good.
# Chop up a good handful of fresh mint and mix it into the yoghurt. Add a squeeze of lime juice.
# Transfer about 2/3 of the yoghurt to a different bowl. Put this in the fridge and forget about it for a while.
# Stir a tablespoon of garam masala into the remaining yoghurt. You could also use tandoori masala, but I like garam. So ner.
# Finely chop up chicken breasts into little cubes.
# Stir into yoghurt. Leave to marinate, preferably overnight but anything more than a couple of hours is fine.
# Finely chop an onion and gently fry in a big pan to soften up and colour a bit.
# Add marinated chicken. Turn up the heat. It's going to be very liquidy for a while, but press on until all the moisture is gone.
# Leave chicken to cool. Serve with that yoghurt that was separated off earlier and bread or rice of your choosing. Yum!
My photography skills leave a lot to be desired. It looks really tasty in real life, honest.
YOU WILL NEED
1 tub natural yoghurt (about 425g, but it doesn't really matter)
fresh mint
lime juice
garam masala powder
2 chicken breasts
1 onion
THE METHOD
# Grab a mixing bowl and put the yoghurt in it. Give it a mix because yoghurt does this separatey-out thing that is no good.
# Chop up a good handful of fresh mint and mix it into the yoghurt. Add a squeeze of lime juice.
# Transfer about 2/3 of the yoghurt to a different bowl. Put this in the fridge and forget about it for a while.
# Stir a tablespoon of garam masala into the remaining yoghurt. You could also use tandoori masala, but I like garam. So ner.
# Finely chop up chicken breasts into little cubes.
# Stir into yoghurt. Leave to marinate, preferably overnight but anything more than a couple of hours is fine.
# Finely chop an onion and gently fry in a big pan to soften up and colour a bit.
# Add marinated chicken. Turn up the heat. It's going to be very liquidy for a while, but press on until all the moisture is gone.
# Leave chicken to cool. Serve with that yoghurt that was separated off earlier and bread or rice of your choosing. Yum!
My photography skills leave a lot to be desired. It looks really tasty in real life, honest.
Friday, 5 February 2010
Swamp Toast
I'm currently nursing an absolute bitch of a head cold, so this week is very quick, short, easy comfort food.
YOU WILL NEED
clove garlic
half an onion
some mushrooms
seasonings
cream
some bread
THE METHOD
# Finely chop garlic and onion. Spend lots of time on this as the decongestant properties of airborne onion juice is very appealing. This is literally the only time crying while chopping onions is acceptable.
# Set onion and garlic off frying. Low low heat, the aim is to gently soften, not brown or crispify.
# Slice up mushrooms, as many as you can conceivably eat. This is a lot for me. Sorry, all you weirdos who don't like mushrooms, this is not your week.
# Add mushrooms to frying pan and stir. Probably add a bit more oil if it's looking dry.
# Time for seasoning! Plenty of salt and black pepper with your choice of extras. I like a tiny touch of both cumin (I adore cumin, I am obsessed with cumin) and cayenne pepper. Stir and keep on the low heat until everything is nice and soft.
# Add a little gloop of cream to the pan and turn the heat up a little. It will look thick, then more liquidy, then back to thick. While you wait for this to happen, whack some bread in the toaster.
# Toast done, swamp done, serve. If it suits you, add some HP sauce too. Delicious and soothing. Guzzle with a mug of strong tea.
YOU WILL NEED
clove garlic
half an onion
some mushrooms
seasonings
cream
some bread
THE METHOD
# Finely chop garlic and onion. Spend lots of time on this as the decongestant properties of airborne onion juice is very appealing. This is literally the only time crying while chopping onions is acceptable.
# Set onion and garlic off frying. Low low heat, the aim is to gently soften, not brown or crispify.
# Slice up mushrooms, as many as you can conceivably eat. This is a lot for me. Sorry, all you weirdos who don't like mushrooms, this is not your week.
# Add mushrooms to frying pan and stir. Probably add a bit more oil if it's looking dry.
# Time for seasoning! Plenty of salt and black pepper with your choice of extras. I like a tiny touch of both cumin (I adore cumin, I am obsessed with cumin) and cayenne pepper. Stir and keep on the low heat until everything is nice and soft.
# Add a little gloop of cream to the pan and turn the heat up a little. It will look thick, then more liquidy, then back to thick. While you wait for this to happen, whack some bread in the toaster.
# Toast done, swamp done, serve. If it suits you, add some HP sauce too. Delicious and soothing. Guzzle with a mug of strong tea.
Friday, 22 January 2010
Open Heart Savouries
These were devised as a tasty bit of weird for my friend Liz's birthday.
YOU WILL NEED
(makes 25 canapés)
15 cherry tomatoes
1 pack puff pastry
200g cream cheese
1 red pepper
1 egg
small pastry cutter (Doesn't have to be heart-shaped, but if it isn't you can't do the Open Heart Savouries pun, which would be a shame)
THE METHOD
# Pop on the oven and get it to a nice warm Gas 2, 149c, 300f.
# Line a baking tray with greaseproof paper. This isn't essential, but advisable unless you want to try cleaning caramel sugar off your tray. Ick.
# Slice tomatoes in half and place cut side up on the tray. Season. This bit is really up to you. I prefer a good amount of caster sugar, a touch of salt, and a good twist of black pepper. Feel free to go crazy with basil, thyme, chilli, anything really.
# Tray of tomatoes in the oven. They will take a varying amount of time, depending on your oven. They'll be fine for an hour. After that, start checking every ten minutes until they look caramelly and dried and luscious. Eat one or two. They're amazing. Make these whenever you want. They store well in a jar of olive oil to be nibbled on as sweeties. Nom.
# I used pre-rolled puff pastry because I'm a terrible cheat. If you're an honest person, roll out your pastry to about half a centimetre thick. Line another baking tray with paper.
# Cut out twenty eight little pastry hearts and arrange on the tray.
# Beat up an egg and brush the hearts with the wash.
# Cut out more hearts, but these ones need a circle cut out of the middle of them. Place each heart-ring on top of the egg-washed hearts. Then give another egg wash. Put them in the fridge for half an hour.
# While you're waiting, finely chop a red pepper and give it a quick whizz in the blender with the cream cheese. Just mix, you don't really want to purée.
# Turn the oven up to Gas 7, 218c, 425f. Put tray of pastries in the oven. They will take about 20 minutes to bake. Again, keep an eye out.
# When the pastry hearts are ready, remove from oven and let them cool a while. They will have little circles on the top. Cut these out and voila! Little heart pastry cases!
# Fill the cases with a little cream cheese mix. Don't throw away any leftover cream cheese. It makes lovely sandwich spread, or dip or something.
# Pop a cherry tomato on each pastry and you're done! Eat some. Marvel. I did. I'm not sure I expected this to work.
# Serve at a birthday party with excellent friends. Give them pointed looks until they tell you how amazing you are in the kitchen.
YOU WILL NEED
(makes 25 canapés)
15 cherry tomatoes
1 pack puff pastry
200g cream cheese
1 red pepper
1 egg
small pastry cutter (Doesn't have to be heart-shaped, but if it isn't you can't do the Open Heart Savouries pun, which would be a shame)
THE METHOD
# Pop on the oven and get it to a nice warm Gas 2, 149c, 300f.
# Line a baking tray with greaseproof paper. This isn't essential, but advisable unless you want to try cleaning caramel sugar off your tray. Ick.
# Slice tomatoes in half and place cut side up on the tray. Season. This bit is really up to you. I prefer a good amount of caster sugar, a touch of salt, and a good twist of black pepper. Feel free to go crazy with basil, thyme, chilli, anything really.
# Tray of tomatoes in the oven. They will take a varying amount of time, depending on your oven. They'll be fine for an hour. After that, start checking every ten minutes until they look caramelly and dried and luscious. Eat one or two. They're amazing. Make these whenever you want. They store well in a jar of olive oil to be nibbled on as sweeties. Nom.
# I used pre-rolled puff pastry because I'm a terrible cheat. If you're an honest person, roll out your pastry to about half a centimetre thick. Line another baking tray with paper.
# Cut out twenty eight little pastry hearts and arrange on the tray.
# Beat up an egg and brush the hearts with the wash.
# Cut out more hearts, but these ones need a circle cut out of the middle of them. Place each heart-ring on top of the egg-washed hearts. Then give another egg wash. Put them in the fridge for half an hour.
# While you're waiting, finely chop a red pepper and give it a quick whizz in the blender with the cream cheese. Just mix, you don't really want to purée.
# Turn the oven up to Gas 7, 218c, 425f. Put tray of pastries in the oven. They will take about 20 minutes to bake. Again, keep an eye out.
# When the pastry hearts are ready, remove from oven and let them cool a while. They will have little circles on the top. Cut these out and voila! Little heart pastry cases!
# Fill the cases with a little cream cheese mix. Don't throw away any leftover cream cheese. It makes lovely sandwich spread, or dip or something.
# Pop a cherry tomato on each pastry and you're done! Eat some. Marvel. I did. I'm not sure I expected this to work.
# Serve at a birthday party with excellent friends. Give them pointed looks until they tell you how amazing you are in the kitchen.
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