Friday, 29 January 2010

The Big Fat Egg Of Solid Fuck

There's this little show called The Thick Of It that is pretty much the greatest thing in the world. For the finalé of the latest series, my friends and I had a themed party, because we're exactly that brilliant. Have a look here, about 4:40 in.



YOU WILL NEED
3 Kinder eggs
2 bars of Cadbury's Caramel
1 bag of Kiddies' Supermix Haribo


THE METHOD

# Heat a sharp knife over a lighter or gas hob or something. Probably also have a damp cloth or soggy kitchen roll handy to clean the knife every now and then. Get it hot, but for fuck's sake be careful.

# Unwrap Kinder eggs carefully. Use hot knife to slice them open. CAREFULLY. They will break if you're not careful. Remove toys.

# Put eggshell halves on a plate in the fridge. They are pathetically thin so any time you're not handling them they need to be chilled otherwise they will melt and cover your kitchen in goo.

# Finely chop Caramel bars and fifteen Haribo sweets. The best sweets to use are the ones that are jelly on top and foam on the bottom. Get a good mix of colours.

# Put chopped things in a microwavable bowl and make sure they're nicely mixed. Pop in microwave for about 30 seconds. It really doesn't take long. Much much less time than you expect. Seriously, if you do it for longer the sugar will get too hot and the chocolate will burn and it will be hell.

# Give melted things a bit of a stir, this will make a truly disgusting goop. Leave goop to cool for about five minutes. I hope you weren't too attached to that bowl. Because now the goop is.

# So something to do with gelatine means the goop should now be a mouldable putty. You will know if it is not ready because the hot sugar will melt your skin. Warm to cool what we want. Split it into three equal balls of putty.

# Fetch eggshells from fridge. CAREFULLY pop a putty ball into one half shell, then CAREFULLY place the other half shell on top. Do this quickly, three times, before the shells melt. The putty will hold the shells together, don't worry about rejoining the seam.

# BACK IN FRIDGE FUCKING QUICKLY.

# Give it about twenty minutes, then grab some aluminium foil to wrap your eggs up.

# CONGRATULATIONS you have just laid your first big fat eggs of solid fuck. I'm so proud.



This recipe is dedicated to the excellent Armando Iannucci, Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Ian Martin, Tony Roche, Roger Drew, Sean Gray, Will Smith, and Peter Capaldi. Thanks, chaps.

3 comments:

literarygeek said...

Did it taste good?

Rose said...

Yes, probably should have said. They are absolutely delicious, but probably only once in your life. And if it takes you less than three hours to eat one you should probably have some insulin on standby.

Amanda said...

I love this. If ever there was a perfect way to have a heart attack, this surely must be it. I tip my hat to you!