Friday, 26 February 2010

Garlic Stars

Ok, the way Horror Kitchen generally works is this: On Monday I start ruminating about what kind of thing I'd like to mess about with. On Tuesday or Wednesday I have a EUREKA moment and cackle helplessly to myself. On Thursday I go out and buy ingredients and spend an afternoon turning my kitchen into a bombsite. On Friday I post the recipe and photos to the blog, with the idea that the more mentally deficient of its readers can try things out over the weekend.

However, this Thursday it was dark and rainy and I was grumpy and had no intention to leave the house. Which left me without ingredients for the monstrosity I had planned (of which more next week) instead only what was already in the cupboards: things for cake (there are always things for cake, never know when the cake urge will strike) and garlic.

I think you can see where I'm going with this.

(makes 6 cupcakes)
50g butter
30g sugar
1 egg
70g self-raising flour
3 cloves of garlic
tomato purée


# Set your oven to Gas 4, 177c, 350f.

# Cream together butter and sugar, beat in egg, mix in flour. We all know how to make cake.

# Finely chop up garlic. Garlic crushers are for lazy dysdextrous people. CHOP. With a KNIFE.

# Stir garlic into cake mixture. Become increasingly confused as to why you're doing this.

# Taste mixture. Hold back vomit.

# Split mixture between six of the magnificent star-shaped silicone cupcake moulds your best friend got you from the Science Museum. If you don't have a best friend who did this, more fool you.

# Stick cakes in oven for 20 minutes, until the tops are lovely and crispy. Be confused by the smell. Mmmmmm, fresh cakes. Mmmmmm, baked garlic. But? WHAT?

# Let them cool a while, then decorate with tomato purée.

# And there we go. I can't emphasise enough how much you shouldn't make these. It will be a waste of everyone's time and resources and tastebuds. They are fucking horrible. This is the first real disaster to grace the Horror Kitchen, and in a way I'm a little bit proud of that. But please, for the love of everything you hold dear, never attempt garlic cupcakes. Thank you.


Anonymous said...

Absolute genius. they look amazing but I can imagine how they taste...

Anonymous said...

I have the fear. And yet I still want to try one.

Suzler said...

Ha, I love it! You should make a cookery book of inedible dishes.

Anonymous said...

This made me lol. Also, I am thinking - maybe without the sugar? with some cheese?