Garlic Stars

Ok, the way Horror Kitchen generally works is this: On Monday I start ruminating about what kind of thing I'd like to mess about with. On Tuesday or Wednesday I have a EUREKA moment and cackle helplessly to myself. On Thursday I go out and buy ingredients and spend an afternoon turning my kitchen into a bombsite. On Friday I post the recipe and photos to the blog, with the idea that the more mentally deficient of its readers can try things out over the weekend.

However, this Thursday it was dark and rainy and I was grumpy and had no intention to leave the house. Which left me without ingredients for the monstrosity I had planned (of which more next week) instead only what was already in the cupboards: things for cake (there are always things for cake, never know when the cake urge will strike) and garlic.

I think you can see where I'm going with this.


YOU WILL NEED
(makes 6 cupcakes)
50g butter
30g sugar
1 egg
70g self-raising flour
3 cloves of garlic
tomato purée


THE METHOD

# Set your oven to Gas 4, 177c, 350f.

# Cream together butter and sugar, beat in egg, mix in flour. We all know how to make cake.

# Finely chop up garlic. Garlic crushers are for lazy dysdextrous people. CHOP. With a KNIFE.

# Stir garlic into cake mixture. Become increasingly confused as to why you're doing this.

# Taste mixture. Hold back vomit.

# Split mixture between six of the magnificent star-shaped silicone cupcake moulds your best friend got you from the Science Museum. If you don't have a best friend who did this, more fool you.



# Stick cakes in oven for 20 minutes, until the tops are lovely and crispy. Be confused by the smell. Mmmmmm, fresh cakes. Mmmmmm, baked garlic. But? WHAT?



# Let them cool a while, then decorate with tomato purée.



# And there we go. I can't emphasise enough how much you shouldn't make these. It will be a waste of everyone's time and resources and tastebuds. They are fucking horrible. This is the first real disaster to grace the Horror Kitchen, and in a way I'm a little bit proud of that. But please, for the love of everything you hold dear, never attempt garlic cupcakes. Thank you.

Chicken Yoghurt

This is what Horror Kitchen is all about. Things that you think should go together. Try it. Does it work? Um... kinda? Note, this makes an excellent filling for wraps if you make way too much. Like I did.


YOU WILL NEED
1 tub natural yoghurt (about 425g, but it doesn't really matter)
fresh mint
lime juice
garam masala powder
2 chicken breasts
1 onion


THE METHOD

# Grab a mixing bowl and put the yoghurt in it. Give it a mix because yoghurt does this separatey-out thing that is no good.

# Chop up a good handful of fresh mint and mix it into the yoghurt. Add a squeeze of lime juice.

# Transfer about 2/3 of the yoghurt to a different bowl. Put this in the fridge and forget about it for a while.

# Stir a tablespoon of garam masala into the remaining yoghurt. You could also use tandoori masala, but I like garam. So ner.



# Finely chop up chicken breasts into little cubes.



# Stir into yoghurt. Leave to marinate, preferably overnight but anything more than a couple of hours is fine.

# Finely chop an onion and gently fry in a big pan to soften up and colour a bit.

# Add marinated chicken. Turn up the heat. It's going to be very liquidy for a while, but press on until all the moisture is gone.



# Leave chicken to cool. Serve with that yoghurt that was separated off earlier and bread or rice of your choosing. Yum!



My photography skills leave a lot to be desired. It looks really tasty in real life, honest.

Oh, Canada Cupcakes

Those who know me know I'm a bit of a Canadaphile. I choose to express my love in various ways, this time via the medium of cupcakes.


YOU WILL NEED
(makes 12 cupcakes)
200g butter
100g sugar
1 egg
100g self-raising flour
maple syrup
milk
icing sugar
bacon


THE METHOD

# On with the oven! Gas 4, 177c, 350f.

# Soften 100g of butter and beat in sugar until it is creamed. Add egg and mix thoroughly.

# Sift in flour and blend.

# Pour in about 30ml of maple syrup and mix well.

# Add milk or flour to make your mixture a thick batter. When you scoop it with a spoon it should neither run off or stick completely, but rather leisurely drift back to the bowl in a particularly louche manner.



# Grab a cupcake tray and line with cases. Drop about a tablespoon of mixture in each cupcake case.

# Bake! 15-20 minutes should do it. When cakes are risen and are a lovely golden colour, jab one with a skewer. If it comes out clean, cakes are done! If it has a bit of mix on, give them another few minutes.



# Set cakes out to cool while you make icing.

# Chop up 100g of butter and blend with 10ml of maple syrup.

# Add icing sugar until you have a thick paste. Ice the cakes! Eat as much icing as you want, it's incredibly delicious.

# Fry or grill bacon, about three rashers. Then chop up. Decorate lovely cupcakes with bacon.

# If you're special like me, you may wish to cut your bacon into the shape of a moose head. This is labour intensive. If you are a vegetarian, probably don't add the bacon, the maple cupcakes are delicious just as they are.





# Enjoy delicious Canadian cupcakes. Be prepared for people to look at you like you might have gone insane, but then propose marriage when they actually try one.

Swamp Toast

I'm currently nursing an absolute bitch of a head cold, so this week is very quick, short, easy comfort food.

YOU WILL NEED
clove garlic
half an onion
some mushrooms
seasonings
cream
some bread


THE METHOD

# Finely chop garlic and onion. Spend lots of time on this as the decongestant properties of airborne onion juice is very appealing. This is literally the only time crying while chopping onions is acceptable.

# Set onion and garlic off frying. Low low heat, the aim is to gently soften, not brown or crispify.

# Slice up mushrooms, as many as you can conceivably eat. This is a lot for me. Sorry, all you weirdos who don't like mushrooms, this is not your week.

# Add mushrooms to frying pan and stir. Probably add a bit more oil if it's looking dry.



# Time for seasoning! Plenty of salt and black pepper with your choice of extras. I like a tiny touch of both cumin (I adore cumin, I am obsessed with cumin) and cayenne pepper. Stir and keep on the low heat until everything is nice and soft.



# Add a little gloop of cream to the pan and turn the heat up a little. It will look thick, then more liquidy, then back to thick. While you wait for this to happen, whack some bread in the toaster.

# Toast done, swamp done, serve. If it suits you, add some HP sauce too. Delicious and soothing. Guzzle with a mug of strong tea.